Here and Now
by Forlay
Summary: Rachel and Ax have a late night heart to heart. (Contains spoilers for 52)


_Author's Note: Wow, I'm changing my regular pattern here! No slash, no romance at all actually. And the fic isn't narrated by Rachel! Isn't it amazing what your mind can come up with at 11 at night when you're trying to go to sleep? Anyway, I do need to mention a spoiler warning here. There are a few spoilers in here for 52. I don't think they're Earth shatteringly huge, but they're moderate spoilers. And finally, thanks go out to Momo Claus for betaing this for me. Hope you enjoy the fic! :-)_   


#  Here and Now

##  By: Forlay

I watched Rachel as she sat against a tree near her cabin. It was late, the lights in the cabins had all gone out long ago. The only ones in the Valley left awake were the Hork-Bajir guards, Rachel and myself.   
The sight of Rachel disturbed me. It wasn't unusual for any of the Animorphs to keep unusual hours. We all needed time to ourselves, and I felt guilty for intruding on Rachel's time, but she had woken me.   
She was crying.   
I had seen humans cry on many occasions, both in reality and on the television. I knew how other humans behaved when one was crying. They often put their arms around eachother and said comforting words until the tears abated. But I wasn't human, and Rachel wasn't a typical human. Crying is considered a sign of weakness in many human societies, and while Rachel is many things, weak isn't one of them.   
Rachel's crying was quiet. The chances of her waking anyone else were slim, but I still looked around, hoping someone else would step in. Tobias often boasted of his superior hearing, perhaps the sound of Rachel leaving her cabin had woken him also. But no, the Valley was peaceful, silent except for the crying of one human girl.   
Rachel? >   
She jumped and I saw her wipe at her eyes, trying vainly to hide what she'd been doing. "Ax?"   
Yes, it is me. > I stepped out of the shadows of the trees so she could see me.   
"What are you doing up?"   
I could ask the same of you. >   
She laughed, without any humor. "Yeah. What's up?"   
I debated with myself for a moment. Lie or tell the truth? I...couldn't sleep. I thought I would take a walk until I felt sufficiently tired. >   
Rachel nodded. "Good idea."   
Why are you awake? >   
"Oh, same problem. Mom snores horribly, I don't know how anyone in this Valley can sleep at all."   
I'd observed this behavior in humans on numerous occasions as well. When they are uncomfortable, they lie. But I did not point this out to Rachel.   
How...are you feeling? >   
She looked at me quizzically. "About what?"   
I shrugged. I was merely making 'small talk', as I believe you humans call it. I was asking in general only. >   
"Well, in general, I feel like shit."   
Ah. Do you care to...expand on that? >   
Rachel laughed again. "Who am I kidding? You saw me crying, didn't you, Ax?" She did not wait for my response. "The truth is, Ax, I'm getting pretty scared. I don't like what's happening in this war."   
That is the nature of war. No one ever likes it. >   
"That's not true, and you know it. _Everyone_ knows it. You saw how I reacted at the National Guard outpost. I was ready to...I almost _killed_ that guy. You don't do that if you're entirely sane." She waited for me to respond, but I didn't know what to say, so she continued. "Are there people like me on your world, Ax?"   
Yes. >   
"What do you do with them?"   
I looked down and kicked at the ground with a hoof. If a warrior becomes...too caught up in the fighting, if he forgets that his purpose is to serve the people with honor, he is exiled. He is put in seclusion, never to fight again. >   
"The loony bin?"   
I -I suppose that could be an appropriate parallel. >   
Rachel nodded sadly. "I sometimes wish that was an option for me. Send me to some place with nice, soft padded walls. I wouldn't be able to hurt anybody there." She looked at me. "You agree with me, don't you? You think I should be exiled."   
I sighed. The thought had crossed my mind, yes. >   
"Well, I made the motion, you seconded it. I should start packing my stuff right now. Find some place where the Yeerks won't find me, and let you and the others fight them without me being a constant liability."   
I think that may be a little extreme, Rachel. >   
"Yeah? Why?"   
We have a limited number of Animorphs as it is, we need every warrior we can get. And while I find your actions questionable sometimes, I recognize how important you are to our cause. >   
"What do you mean?"   
You provide both motivation and relief for the others. Your bravery, or recklessness, inspires us all. If you can be motivated, all of us can. >   
"And relief?"   
You provide that...in many ways. >   
"Meaning I relieve the others of the dirty jobs?" she asked ruefully.   
I wasn't sure what to say for a moment. Should I agree or disagree with her assessment? It was true in a way, yet it seemed a rather harsh judgment on herself. So I chose to ignore her comment. Relief in the means of tension. To use a human colloquialism I have picked up, the tension in the group is often thick enough to be cut with a knife. Yet you're always there with a brave word or a cutting barb for Marco. So we can all laugh and go into battle, minds focused only on the task at hand. >   
"I'd never thought of that before."   
So yes, there have been times when I have questioned your motives, wondered if you truly belonged in this group, or if I should tell Prince Jake you were unfit for missions. But in the long run, the positive things you bring to the Animorphs outweigh the negatives. >   
I couldn't be sure, but I thought I saw tears in Rachel's eyes again. Yet she was smiling. "That's most likely the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me." Then one tear ran down her cheek.   
What's wrong? >   
Rachel shook her head, but couldn't say anything. She stepped forward and put her arms around my shoulders and began crying freely. I was stunned for a moment, Andalites don't touch eachother often, but I remembered from my soap operas that this was when I should put my arms around her.   
"I can't be brave all the time, Ax," she sobbed. "Yet no one seems to understand that. They become scared if I show genuine emotion, so I have to keep it inside. But when I keep it inside for too long, that's when I snap and...and try to kill innocent people."   
Surely Cassie or Tobias understands. >   
"Right. After I nearly punched Cassie? No one's going to trust me to do anything for a long time."   
You are too valuable a person to loose, Rachel. The others will trust you. They understand you have been under a lot of stress lately. We all have. >   
Rachel shook her head. "I think I've done too much damage."   
I thought carefully about what to say next. Rachel, I know we haven't been what one would call friends in the past, but I would be honored if perhaps we could change that. Perhaps we will never be friends, but maybe we could be...there is no appropriate word for it in English. In mine it would be _theron_. >   
"_Theron_?"   
Somewhere between acquaintance and friend. In the military, warriors hesitate to make long lasting relationships due to the likely possibility of one dying in battle, therefore leaving the other grief stricken and unable to attend to his duties properly. These same warriors realize, however, that one can't remain alone, separated from those he must work closely with forever, so warriors become _therons_. _Therons_ don't delve deep into the past, only enough to know the basics about eachother, or the future, as knowing another person's hopes and dreams ties you forever to those dreams and the dreamer forever, but they instead talk about the present. Triumphs and losses in battle, general concerns, even gossip. Nothing deep, but enough to maintain a sense of belonging, of being connected to the other warriors. >   
"_Therons_. I like the sound of that." She pulled away from me and wiped her eyes with her hand. "I'd be honored to be your _theron_, Ax."   
I smiled. As would I. >   
Rachel stifled a yawn. "I think I'd better be going back inside. It's late."   
Yes. Approximately 2:37 in the morning. Your time, of course. >   
Instead of rebuking me, Rachel only shook her head and smiled. Quickly, she leaned forward and gave me a kiss on my cheek. "You're a life saver Ax, really. I never thought I'd be saying this, but thanks for the help. You're a valuable member of the team too, y'know."   
Thank you. >   
"Good night, Ax."   
Good night, _theron_. >   
She smiled and nodded, then went into her cabin. 


End file.
